It’s not about your death. It’s about the lives of your grandchildren and their grandchildren.
Blü
And much more important the lives of those that showed up at the funeral or memorial service (or should have.) For most people only the children and grandchildren have any real interaction with the live parent. After that the genetic and memetic legacy is important in the progeny, but the folks at the funeral carry most of the social and loving legacy of the deceased. This is a fact for all, religious or not. Christians may get pie in the sky after they die, and Muslims their attendants, but that is myth. Those at the funeral are truth, whether they are there or not."
4 comments:
I'm not sure that it is a universal truism "Those at the funeral are truth..." The intentions, process, and perceived accomplishments appear to have a wide variation. The lavish spectacles of open-casket viewing, multiple-person eulogies, scattering ashes or hundreds of other variations of remembrance perpetuate the myths and the grip of the witch doctors on the lives of those fearing death. Imagine a devout Catholic dealing with the suicide of their teenager, a fundamentalist Christian dealing with the death of an "unsaved" relative, an MIA in combat where an identifiable body is never found: the grief of those who loved them is certainly real but will any funeral of any kind placate the grief?
If I had not attended my Father's Memorial, I would not have been subjected to the repetitious claim that he was not really dead and would still carry forth his stories and represent his true spirit.
The point I was making was not the importance of the funeral in dealing with grief, although it does get people past the denial stage. But the importance of the reminder of the emotional legacy of the deceased. The reminder of "What this person meant to me and what I must remember" which happens to all who "should have been" at the funeral whether they could be or not. I think of our friend Charles Fiterman on the old atheist boards. I was not at his funeral but "should have been." He had no expectation of an afterlife, but his friends and relatives, even internet friends who never met him think of the froggy jar and remember all the gifts he gave us.
You have restated your intentions with much greater clarity however they still sound much like a wish rather than a fact:
The reminder of "What this person meant to me and what I must remember" which happens to all...
I believe such a state of contemplation likely does occur for a thoughtful person but I'm not sure I could apply it to "all." Nor do I think of such an admonishment as an imperative. Charles is still on my mind and whenever an appropriate opportunity arises, I retell one of his stories, because I admired and loved the man. I am made up of some of the parts of my Father that I ingested/integrated and made my own; I am a reflection of his personality and character; I am a vocal and silent source for him for those that did not know him, personally.
The assessment of what a person means to me should not be triggered by their death; the decision of what memories to keep is not an option but one may decide which memories to keep "fresh in consciousness."
The reminder will not happen to all, some are so addled by their religious view of death that they can only worry about the soul of the deceased, (and their own) and not celebrate what hesh was when alive. I feel sorry for them but can do nothing.
The funeral should certainly not be the only remembrance or celebration, but it does gather a sympathetic group for the "That reminds me"s and focuses the thoughts of those who cannot be there on what they need to continue of the legacy of the deceased.
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